As a child I was taught that emotions are weakness, that crying is forbidden, that I was destined to be strong and that there’s no room for such a thing as emotional expression in my parent’s house.
I was raised by a strong independent woman, she was my role model and I idealized her for so long for being able to take the role of both a mother and a father.
No! my mother is not a single mother, she’s the closest narcissist to my heart.
I was indirectly taught that to be worthy of my mother’s love or love in general, I had to be a certain way.
I had to do it her way, emotionless.
My greatest fear in life was turning out to be just like my father because he’s weak and sensitive.
Little did I know that neither my father nor my mother were angels, but my mother won the fight for sure.
I can clearly remember the complete numbness I felt in my pre-teens and teenage years.
How I became a deformed version of what I was supposed to be.
I simply couldn’t be what she wanted me to be and I was too scared to be myself.
I had to endure bullying at school, going through sexual abuse and psychosis ( I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder later in life) in complete silence.
I was so scared that my mother would see me as weak and undeserving of love just like my father.
Now in my mid twenties and after undergoing psychotherapy for 5 years, I’ve learned so much more about myself, I’ve healed, and I know I can do so much more than I was taught as a child.
I know that I’m deserving of love.
Believe it or not, I still love my mother and father so much, I forgave them both so I can move on with my life.
I also feel empowered by helping other people around me, and those who’ve gone through similar experience.
So, I’d be more than happy to know your opinion on this topic and help if possible.
Also, feel free to contact me at anytime.